Affirming Therapy Isn’t Optional: How to Find a Therapist Who Sees You. All of You

It’s Mental Health Awareness Month, and we’re diving into one of the most foundational, and often overlooked, truths in therapy:

You deserve care that affirms who you are.

That might sound simple, but for many people, especially those at the margins of race, gender, sexuality, relationship structure, ability, or class, finding that kind of care can feel like searching for water in a desert.

It shouldn’t be this hard.

Too many people walk into therapy and shrink. They code-switch. They get misgendered. They’re told their polyamory is a trauma response. They’re handed worksheets on “maladaptive” coping strategies without ever being asked about the systems they're surviving.

That’s not just ineffective, it’s harm.

We need to name it plainly: Therapy that doesn’t affirm your identity is not neutral. It’s dangerous.

And we can, and must, do better.

Affirming therapy is more than a friendly smile or a vague line in a profile that says, “LGBTQ+ allied.” It’s not just “welcoming.” It’s actively supportive, educated, and humble. It’s the practice of seeing the full humanity of a client and centering their lived experience as real, valid, and worthy of care.

Here’s what that can look like:

🌱A therapist who doesn’t flinch when you talk about your pronouns, your transition, or your dysphoria.

🌱Someone who doesn’t assume your kink is pathological, your nonmonogamy is avoidance, or your cultural grief is a symptom.

🌱A provider who doesn’t just know the DSM, they know about the prison-industrial complex, settler colonialism, intergenerational trauma, and how these shape our bodies and minds.

As Dr. Thema Bryant (2022) writes, “You cannot heal in a space that does not see you.”

Affirming therapy requires continuous work on the part of the therapist. It means confronting their own bias. Unlearning their assumptions. Updating their language. And most of all, listening, deeply, and with humility.

Because identity doesn’t sit at the edge of therapy, it’s right at the center.

When therapy doesn’t affirm your identity, it can feel like the trauma you walked in with is now being repeated inside the very space that’s supposed to help. That rupture is not just emotional, it’s systemic.

Let’s be clear:

🌱Transgender clients report higher dropout rates from therapy due to misgendering, lack of provider knowledge, or being pushed toward gender conformity (Singh, 2018).

🌱Black and Indigenous clients are often met with therapeutic models that fail to understand cultural grief, racialized trauma, or the impact of white supremacy (Hook et al., 2016).

🌱Polyamorous and kinky clients are frequently labeled “avoidant” or “damaged,” with therapists interpreting their relationships through a lens of pathology (Brown & Carducci, 2020).

🌱Disabled, neurodivergent, and chronically ill folks are often gaslit by clinicians who don’t understand access needs or reject alternative ways of being.

Non-affirming therapy doesn’t just miss the mark. It deepens the wound.

And let’s not forget: clients are paying to be there. Paying in dollars, time, and vulnerability to be seen and supported. That support should not come with disclaimers or shame.

If you’re seeking therapy that feels like a return to yourself rather than a negotiation of your humanity, here are some guiding questions to ask:

1. Do they explicitly name their areas of competence?

Affirming therapists don’t stay vague. They say: “I work with queer and trans clients. I specialize in nonmonogamy. I’ve trained in cultural humility and anti-racist practices.” If it’s not clear, ask.

2. Do they believe you?

You shouldn’t have to spend your sessions convincing your therapist that your reality is real. If they dismiss your trauma, question your identity, or try to reframe your truth as a “maladaptive response,” that’s not support that’s erasure.

3. How do they handle repair?

Even the most affirming therapists will make mistakes. What matters is how they respond. Do they deflect or get defensive? Or do they thank you, stay with the discomfort, and do the work to grow?

4. Are they still learning?

The best therapists are committed to ongoing education. Ask what books they’re reading. What trainings they’ve taken. Who they learn from. Are they listening to marginalized voices or only peers who look like them?

5. Do you feel relieved after session?

Affirming therapy should make your nervous system exhale. You should feel more like you when you leave. That’s not always easy or light but it should be honest, human, and spacious.

Where to Start: Resources to Find Affirming Therapists

🔥Inclusive Therapists: Centering BIPOC, LGBTQ+, neurodivergent, and disabled clients.

🔥Therapy Den: Allows you to filter by affirming specializations (e.g., kink-aware, ENM-friendly, trans-competent).

🔥Open Path Collective: Sliding scale therapy with filters for identity-affirming support.

🔥Kink-aware Professionals Directory: For clients practicing consensual kink.

🔥Poly-friendly Professionals Directory: For clients practicing ethical nonmonogamy

To My Fellow Therapists: This Is the Work

If you’re a therapist reading this, know this: being affirming is not a one-time checkbox. It’s a lifelong commitment to liberation.

Ask yourself:

🌱Do I only learn about communities when I have a client from that community?

🌱Am I doing my own internal work around bias, privilege, and systemic harm?

🌱Do I know how to name and hold cultural grief, racial trauma, gender expansiveness, or plural experiences?

🌱Do I collaborate with clients, or impose my model onto them?

As mental health providers, we hold immense power. And that power must be used in service of care, not compliance.

Final Words: You Deserve to Be Seen

Your identity is not an obstacle to your healing. It is the sacred terrain your healing walks through.

You deserve to be met there in your fullness. Not just your symptoms. Not just your goals. But your self.

Your joy. Your nuance. Your rage. Your becoming.

Therapy is not a luxury. It is not a self-improvement project. It is at its best a space of radical permission. A place where you are not required to shrink in order to be held.

So don’t settle for being tolerated.

Find the therapist who looks at you and says: “Of course.”

References (APA 7):

* Brown, M., & Carducci, B. (2020). *Therapist bias and affirming care: Clinical implications for nonmonogamous clients.* Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy, 50(3), 145–152. [https://doi.org/10.1007/s10879-020-09450-1](https://doi.org/10.1007/s10879-020-09450-1)

* Bryant, T. (2022). *Homecoming: Overcome fear and trauma to reclaim your whole, authentic self.* TarcherPerigee.

* Hook, J. N., Davis, D. E., Owen, J., Worthington Jr, E. L., & Utsey, S. O. (2016). *Cultural humility: Measuring openness to culturally diverse clients.* Journal of Counseling Psychology, 60(3), 353–366.

* Lorde, A. (1984). *A Burst of Light: Essays.* Firebrand Books.

* Singh, A. A. (2018). *Affirmative counseling with transgender and gender nonconforming clients.* American Counseling Association.